Category | Xmas

Christmas Ain’t What It Used to Be

Some commentators talk about a “war on Christmas” waged by various people they dislike. We don’t think that “cultural elites,” whatever the heck they are, are really the threat to the traditional Christmas celebrations we should be worrying about. We think it’s high technology and, well, not so high technology that’s the real threat. Electric fireplaces, video yule logs and and auto-tuned carolers wielding laptops…it’s all a little scary to us.

The Old Santa

Is it Christmas if the video log isn’t keeping you warm? And what about the possibility of Santa being electrocuted by electric fireplaces? Yeah, he could be burned to death by a traditional one, but let’s get real here — Santa knows how to land just right in a raging fireplace. An electric one is likely to just throw off his game and put the old man in some real danger. This is serious, folks!

And then there’s the fact that Santa now has to cut expensive deals with Apple to make his own iPads and what not — all while persuading investigative reporters that his elves are provided with proper breaks, appropriate elf-sanitation, good work/elf-life balance, and sufficient pay (fortunately, elves need relatively small amounts of food to live on and houses and apartments at the North Pole are on the inexpensive side, even if the heating bills can be ruinous; worse for large apartments with electric fireplaces). Let’s face it, it ain’t easy to be a mythological being tasked with a one-night manufacturing and product delivery undertaking that has to be completed within the space of 24 hours. Santa’s overhead? You don’t even wanna know!

And let’s not even talk about the threat posed by the endless deliverability of Christmas media. There are entire radio stations — all streaming on the web — that devote themselves to Christmas music starting some time in early July so that by the time actual Christmas rolls around, the last thing any one wants on their iPod is Nat King Cole singing “Adeste Fideles” — it’s time for Lady Gaga and Celo singing about Xmas with R-rated lyrics. Yaargh!